Personal Battle Against Anxiety
Paralyzed I can’t move. Anxiety it’s annoying but it is something I learned to walk along with. People often look at me and think I’m confident and calm while internally I’m trying not to cry and hide behind a rock or run.
I keep fighting against this I won’t let it win every time. I won’t let my anxiety stop me from making new friends and from voicing my opinion. I feel sometimes I’m constantly on that last round those last 3 minutes tired, but still fighting against my opponent.
Still willing to give it my all with my mind even when my body wants to stop. I keep dodging those who don’t believe in me. My mind wonders between worry and panic. My thoughts become jumbled in my head while I try to introduce myself to new people. Every word that is spoken is carefully analyzed in my mind. I probably shouldn’t have used that word in a sentence. Why did I shake when I was talking about myself?
I try breathing exercises to calm the racing of my heart beat. Cold sweats the kind that makes you sweat and shiver at the same time begin to bother you. This is when anxiety has taken over your body. You try to make small talk but your ears are no longer listening to the person in front of you. All you can hear is the drumming beat of your heart. Sometimes even your vision begins to blur and you feel as if you’ll black out.
Don’t cry hold it in keep smiling it’s ok they don’t know how hard you are fighting right now. To them you’re just the confident pretty girl who has introduced herself. While in reality I was dying on the inside the whole time.
This tends to all go away if I have a friend that I know with me. Since most of the time I must do things on my own most my encounters are like what I described above morbid brutal and painful.
I know it shouldn’t be like this, but I’ve been bullied too many times throughout my childhood that I no longer trust people. Socially ostracized due to my eczema when I was elementary all the way up to middle school when I finally gave up and started to cover my eczema despite how uncomfortable it made me. Even though it was burning hot outside I would wear long sleeves and pants. Holding in the urge to scratch in front of my peers, I put all my attention to my studies because in my mind that’s all I had going for me.
Completely embarrassed and uncomfortable with my own body. During the summers, I would recover both mentally and physically by completely healing up in El Salvador. It became my temporary safe haven. Although I always had to come back to Texas whether it was for school or to make money since I can’t work in El Salvador without a degree.
I get anxious all the time about the little things. I find myself checking whether I locked the door to my car more than twice before walking to my destination. Paranoid that someone would steal or break the windows of my car since it was something common in El Salvador. I’m very conscious of what it is around me. I’m constantly thinking about the worst-case scenario.
I wonder if I’m the only one in this world suffering these crippling thoughts.
